Dead Thoughts

alone and diseased

distant from your touch

aloof from the pain

soaring through darkness

riding on my misery

trembling at your illusion

morose and dead

your voice kills me

blood on my trail

stains on the veil

galloping across devil's lair

humanity ceases to exist

kill me ..you've done it before

fill me ..the poison you wore

a life for a cunt

a demise for a blunt

sicken me with your lips

destroy me with your eyes

hold me as i fall

kill me as i die

INANIMATE AFFAIRS & A DOUBT

A leaf between the pages,

A path through the hedges,

A time between exchanges,

A stare into some images,

Where do you belong?



A satire on remorse,

A product to endorse,

Thoughts which antrorse,

A reason to indorse,

Where do you belong?



A tribute to silence,

A crave for an audience,

A retributive decadence,

Glorification of imprudence,

Where do you belong?



A step towards amnesty,

A deviation from modesty,

Rendezvous with honesty,

Decisions that are hasty,

Where do you belong?



You played with a dream,

Making it almost gleam.

Words were there to redeem,

But I sat beside a stream.

Where do we belong?

A Crossword of Dreams

a crossword of dreams

never to fulfill

diary turns its pages

leaving sins of the past

untold and unheard

life sets on again

hopes to look upon

memories drain down the line

washing away innocence and love

deja vu turns reality

a nightmare i wish to forget

fragments of my soul

wish to be complete

seeking joy

an abstract illusion

a touch to feel

a word to kill

travelling along

footsteps to accompany

a crossword of dreams

never to fulfill

Decision of Death

was it for the appearance?
was it for the fusion?
it was the groove
the vibrance
the habit
this is what my life bargains for
a comprehended step
a highway to devil's snare
controlling my fears
beholding the reality
no more can i think
its only the need i believe
dependency urged in
lack of nearness prevailed
cry of the devil seized my mind
i was no more at my life's wait
i gave in
living death has been my defiance
lured into death
decision sustained

Sweet Demise

i'm tired of letting you go

giving up on whatever's happening around me

letting my heart overrule once more

knowing that i'm gonna drown again

knowing that i wont breathe to see you again

my heart's gone

soulless i live

we didn't need to do it again

but we did

and life turned the tables once more

embracing your memories

feeling you deep within

living everyday for hope

dying every night for more

wasting myself is no more a habit

seeing you drift away

crying out for help

tearing myself apart

just wish to be loved

only by you...forever

all lies are visible

your intentions are deceptive

yet i want to lie at your comfort

yet i want to die at your sight

once more the nights haunt me

sleepless and lonely

hurt and broken

knowing my fate

knowing your desire

consoling myself

for my sweet demise

Soliciting Departure

its just another night
I remember you
like you were never gone
you are still here
with wings of an angel
come take me away
fly with me
i am not meant to live
without you,
i lost my belief
hustling has become a habit
a drug that killed my kid
there's no cure for me
i must cease to exist
lust killed me
lust shattered me
as i look at the harlot beside
i come to think of it
there's nothing i can remember
its only u,my bright star
you can guide me to paradise
smoke fills up the atmosphere
as i lay down
blood drains away from inside
i look into the mirror
i am a monster it seems
no will to live
no reason to survive
my wounds must be healed
afterlife is visible
take me away,my bright star
Take me away .......................................................

The Wanderer.....

In time..the bleeding wounds will heal..
Unlike some..which are too deep to see..

Like scars in a nomad's soul...

Their mending is so slow


Not the shout of a hundred enemies
Can make him feel fear inside him..
But when sun sets and the cold arrives
With crushing solitude in the darkness of night..
He will ride across land and time...
To find a way through this endless night!!!


There's a storm in his heart and the fire rages in his soul..
But the wanderer's part is to ride alone!!

With bare hands he has taken many lives
He has had a hundred women by his side....
From enchanted woods to the freezing north
He is known at every sea and far beyond.
As the moon grows and the circle is complete..
He lies down and waits for sleep....


But there's always a scenery in his mind...


Of all that beauty he has left behind!!

Love.....

As the first rays of dawn penetrate the darkness of my room, and I smack my lips to taste the sweet stolen kiss of the droplets of rain that trespassed through the open window, I lie on my bed pointlessly pondering over the value or vagueness of the various vignettes so verbosely associated with emotion called love.
What is Love I wonder? Is it my hormones speaking for themselves? Is it a specific region of my mind? Is it a portion of my heart who's only function I know is to beat? Or is it something beyond definition?
What creates love and what brings an end to it? Is love like energy which is bound to be conserved? Is it like a mortal and is meant to die? Or is it as per legends, eternal? Is it spontaneous or deliberate?
When did I 1st fall in love? I remember I 'loved' life even before I knew my 'love'. 'My love'! What a misnomer! Is love personal, or mutual? I 'love' my parents even before I knew how to 'love'. I 'love' my friends, even those who haven't returned it back to me. Even the person who feels I don't deserve to be 'loved', 'loves' someone. Then what is it, that makes someone deserve 'love'? Is it a prize to be earned? And then, there's this one person who makes me feel completely differently about 'love'. Is 'love' just another feeling? If so, how is it more complicated than the sum of all the others? How has it evolved from Shakespeare to Sparks?
This was all about life and the living. What about the aroma of the first breeze of dawn? What about the green of the leaves after the first showers of rain? What about silence of the hours when the world sleeps? What about the unseen bird which chirps outside my window? What about the vivid dreams of worlds far off? What of the whispers of the wind speeding past my ears? I 'love' them too.
And what is to be done with love? Is love to be felt? To be spread? To be shown? To be made? To be earned? Or just to be loved?
Can you love love? Or love to be loved? Or love to love?
Past the plethora of phenomena paired with love, the persistent perpending pursues people preposterously.
Four puny letters. What chance do they have against the brilliance of human mind? Is there anyone who can define love for me?

Tragedy

The ceiling fan revolves in its own might,
Seemingly impossible to reach,
But it is also not invincible,
One day it also has to pay for its deeds.

Because there was once a lad,
A heart full of life he had,
He was all that one could dream of,
He was all that God could offer.

But such is the love that he fell into,
A trance from which one can seldom rise,
The girl was beautiful and gentle,
They were apart, but their hearts forever close.

But life is not even close to a fairy tale,
It has twists and turns at every step,
The girl was married to someone else.
And led away past the seven seas.

In the silent recluse of loneliness,
In his unfathomable hollow grief,
He became all but a shadow within.
Sadness within him was so deep.

But then he rose to a new height,
With a rope in his right hand,
It was supposed to be his liberator.
The closest friend that he had.

Is this the price of falling in love?
That a wretched soul has to pay,
Is this all there is to do in life???
So helpless we can do nothing but pray.

Such is the pain he felt in his heart,
That even death itself was afraid.
But at last death accepted him as its own,
And led him to his final sleep.

I could have told this story better,
Had I been there in the cold winter,
But I am happy now that I am alive.
If only enough, that I can tell it right.

For Her only

I am a troubled soul , i am but a forgotten existence
Everything about me is evil,i am nothing but a nuisance
But still you fell in love with me,still you made me yours
I am all i was,but now i am much more

To love u till eternity,is the only thing i want
To caress you and hold u is what is in my heart
Because u are the reason,and i am the effect
Because if u r not here,i would rather be dead

You changed the way i have always lived my life
Your love made me whole,helped me thrive
You are as much an angel,as much you are mortal
To make you mine is what i want,and that's all

To have you in my life,is like having light
Even if you have the whole day,you still hate the night
To have you in my arms,is like heaven on earth
You have no idea what you mean to me,right from the start

You misunderstand me,and complain of my lack of love
But you fail to see my spirit, o my darling dove
Since you are my angel,i hate to see you cry
To make you happy,to make u whole,i will rather die

You are mine,as you always will be
In my heart mind and soul
You are the only reason i have
To live this life till old.

Painter

The sun blazed fire.Beads of sweat intervened his staggering steps.Hot air scorched his skin and singed his hair.He fought on.Recovering his shoes from beneath the sand every time,trying so desperately to take another step.He had to make it to the next sand dune.For the hundredth time in the last minute,he clasped the tattered canvas flask at his hip.Like the ninety nine previous attempts,he found it contained no water,not even a drop.Sweat ran into his eyes,setting them on fire.He stopped to take a breath.And then,the sand storm arrived.The knees buckled,the flicker in his eyes died cold.The dune was two feet away.Oblivion beckoned him.Sahara had claimed yet another soul...



The white lifeless horizon stretched to eternity.The effect was numbing.Giant blocks of ice,sillhoutted against the clear sky loomed large.The land of eternal twilight,Antarctic,was hauntingly quiet.He trudged along,icy knives piercing his skin with tireless cruelty.The ice axe slipped out of his grip,he had lost his right thumb to the frost.The wind howled, sensing an easy prey.But he kept on his struggle,the hope fading slowly but surely.His skin took on a lifeless hue.The glaciers laughed in mirth;the time was here.He slipped,caught a crevice,the ice parted,opening the gate way to hell.The icy water gulped him without complaining,not a scream escaping his throats.No ripples showed on the surface.Snow gathered on the ice axe,lying a feet from the crevice,slowly but surely...



Heavy pantings echoed in the curtained room.The bodies moved in a perfect rhythm,not caring about the world.It was a game they were playing,the huntress hunting the tiger.Sweat drenched the mattress.Ancient instincts and animal odours drove them on.Brutal,fast and lithe was their movements.Fierce was their aggression.He was the tiger,the huntress struggling to conquer him.She scratched,shrieked,pounced,writhed...the tiger relented.A thousand stars exploded in his head...draining him of his manhood.As the orgasm filled her like a warm sea green liquid,she embraced her victim and took a deep breath.All was still for a minute.Then the Duchess stood up,paid the gigolo and departed.The tryst was over;the pleasure a thing of the past...



I slithered through the dry leaves.Moved past the ancient trees.I could sense my prey.I moved unhurriedly with languid grace,my silky skin reflecting the meagre sunlight that trickled past the leafy dome.And then,I saw him.I could feel his unease,the increased pulse.I knew he had sensed me too.And then he heard me.He looked about frantically,trying to locate me.He increased his pace.It was an easy kill.I could toy with him for a while.My slit tongue snaked out in pleasure.I rose to my full height,and met his eye.I was overwhelmed with the smell of fear he emanated.I spat on his face,venom piercing his skin like darts.He writhed on the ground.I am the King Cobra,I thought,emperor of the jungle;and then,delivered the killing strike...



Yeah I am a painter.I paint death.I paint desires.I paint lust.But do I paint a canvas flask full of water?Do I paint an ice axe still warm from a firm grip?Do I paint life?These questions have no answers,find them in my paintings.Yes,I am a painter indeed...

Mary Jane

emerald to the eyes
green fairy of all myths
you bear my love
you deny my hate
joy has embraced me
sorrows seem to fade
submarines of life
flow through me
you attract me
delight me,stay with me
my angel
my love
passion thrives in me
thrilling my senses
your hips agitate me
your lips ponder me
lustrous beauty
mystical allure
god's pride
devil's fear
you keep me alive
you keep me breathing
you are my angel
my love,my forever
my MARY JANE

Ashes of Depravity

Rise...........

I will rise, change it slowly
Fight back, cheat reality
Resurrect whats forsaken
I stand, never beaten.

In the ashes of depravity
(forever) lies my sanity
Holding on, through my struggle
Immortal, never forgotten.

Its black, desperate, desolate.....

I want you by my side
To get me through this night
In you, i still believe
You are my salvation.

The Other Woman

Kohl-lined eyes and a blue skirt
Sometimes even a dash of red,
And she was beautiful for one more night
Before the sun rose,torn, from her bed..

The mirror glared and the sunbeams scorned..
The skirt shed tears from where it hung,
The patches cried with heartbroken sobs..
The blue that had soothed, now stung..

She sat bare from dawn to dusk..
Having only void feelings to lend,
To the grieving dusk that wished
Only for a quick,painless end..

She lived in his pleasure of leisure
But perished when conscience begun..
The daily knocking on the door..
The door that his beloved did shun..

I stand in the doorway of solitude,
Like an untouched bottle of gin..
Lured in by the mirage of love..
Tumbling upon the sands of sin..

Trapped in what makes my heart beat..
I've embraced every thorn, spared none..
But while I am "the tragic hero"..
She remains.. "The Other Woman"..

The Frozen Tree

Do look beyond the frozen tree
There's sunshine a little, I think..
Or maybe just broken glass
Smiling with every blink..

Do look beyond its ugly knots
The russet cracks and the scoops
There are treasured pains, Linking arms..
Bronzed in friendly loops..

Do look beyond its leafless shrug,
Its stare..
Its toothless grin..
There are unshed tears,
Resting in peace..
In the cradle of thoughtless sin..

Lovers robed in leaves of passion
Of Autumn frolics and fun..
Leaving behind forbidden love
Naked beneath the sun..

Pirates of the lonely coasts
Robbing the shelter of the tree -
Draped in hues of earthly pleasures
And the mystic lull of the sea..

Burnt, broken.. but still alive
With secrets buried deep -
It stays awake through endless dreams..
Just so, I can sleep..

Look beyond the frozen arms
Where I survive unseen..
A solitary bud in the crest of death,
A hope that keeps it green..

I Love You Her

Her...
One word that means so much to me.
A simple reaching from Her,a msg left,a txt and my heart soars.

I try not to say too often those four letters
that mean so much to many.
Not because i don't want do,
oh i do so very much.

I wish i could tell Her every day,
let Her see and feel just what she's
become to me.

But i cannot do this, i have my role,
i must protect our hearts, keep them 'so'
for they, in this life, are promised not to each other, but to others close.

Her, i just wanted, no...needed to tell you,
that even thought i cant, even though we can never be more,
even though i try so hard to keep us 'so'
on this journey,
it is not always easy to keep my heart from
bursting, not always easy to keep my
soul from soaring away.
For that is just what you do to me.

I love you Her,
No one knows how long this will last,
I hope and pray a long long time
for it nourishes all that i am.

You give me everything and so much more
than i ever dreamed off,
and you will forever, forever be lodged in my heart.

I love you Her,
I just need to tell you that.
Your,
Him

I Miss You Her

Dear Her,

Where are you now?
What are you doing?
Who are you with?
What are you thinking?

God,i miss you,
always do,
some days far more than others.

Today i needed you,
but i know it can never be so,
we are not meant for one another,
we are entrusted to others close.

The times when we know
we would be good together,
can never be.

The times when we know
we should be together,
can never be.

Wherever you are,
whatever you're doing,
whoever you're with,
know i'm out there
somewhere,
thinking and dreaming of the
next time i can can hold your face
in my hands and look in your soul,
utter nothing,
but say so very much.

God, Her, I missed you today,
You are my all,
my soulmate, my everything.
Reach for me soon,
for your dreamer misses you..

I don’t know if you’re pushing me away or pulling me closer
I don’t know where I stand
I don’t know what you want from me
Or if you care at all

Your words lash out and hurt
Then lovingly draw me in
I don’t know what you want from me
Do you want this to end

Don’t turn tables
Or place this on me
Just come out and tell me
What it is you want

I can’t read minds
I don’t know where I stand
Are you pushing me away
Or are you going to finally let me in..

Yours,
Him

Snow.......

Snow and more snow. It was snow all around. No trees, no grass, no stones protruded from the vast expanse of snow that covered the ground like a thick white sheet.

A sudden surge of sadness swept over the heart of Tamang, the Sherpa. Often before that too, as he lay surrounded by snow and ice, he would become restless. His mind, like a bird would take flight into the realm of his memories. He would once again remember the Gandhak Valley, a long rift between two immense mountain ranges, its beautiful villages, nestling among hills, its lush green meadows, and the land where he had spent his youth, where he longed to be now.

Oh! Those were the blissful days. That was the period when all the snares and cares of life were still far away. Sometimes he saw the footprints of the Yeti on the snow and remembered how the superstitious hill-folk in the neighbourhood would quiver with fear when they saw them and chant “Om Mani Padme Hum”.

“Give me some water, Tamang”.

Startled out of his reverie, Tamang sat up. In an instant Gandhak Valley and all the images and its memories had conjured up were scattered as though by a violent storm, of remorse. Then Tamang cast a glance around the small tent which sheltered him. Near him, in the sleeping bag lay the “Big Sahib”, whom the mountaineers and the sherpas call the leader of the expedition.

“Sahib”, murmured Tamang but could say no more.

How could he explain to Sahib that there was no water, no tea, no coffee, nothing at all in the tent to quench their thirst. The stove which they used for cooking and had gone out of order the previous day. The only remedy open to them to slake their burning thirst lay in chewing bits of snow. Their throats had become swollen and sore on doing this again and again.

Sahib had been dying for a gulp of water the whole day without getting any drop of it. At times, he had begun to grumble something that the sherpa could not make out. Then he would begin to cry out in agony and become unconscious. Tamang was distraught with grief and worry. But he did not know what exactly he would do to alleviate the pain and suffering of his fellow companion. He sat still badly shaken by the desperate situation he was called upon to face. The only action his mind suggested him was frequently to pull aside the flap of the tent for a while and get a view of the frozen world outside.

A blizzard had been blowing for the last three days or so. Sahib was seriously ill and had been hovering between life and death for all these days. His feet were frost bitten. Gangrene had set in and the legs needed immediate amputation. Each part of his body shivered in pain. Tamang’s condition was in no way much better and less exposed to danger. Fatigue, hunger and icy blasts on the bleak hillside conspired to break both his bodily resistance and his spirits.

Four days earlier he had arrived at Camp III, after leaving the base camp. He was utterly exhausted. He had come up from an altitude of nineteen thousand feet to twenty five thousand feet in two days. Being the leader of the sherpas he had heard that a Sahib was very ill and braving the inclement weather he had continued with the ascent and was now with the Sahib.

The Sahib had clung to him like baby. He had repeatedly told him that he would never forget the services he had rendered him. For hours on end, Tamang massaged the Sahib’s arms and legs and nursed him. The Sahib’s eyes were full with tears of gratitude

As he was absorbed in thinking of his home, the Sahib called out to him and said, “Tamang, I am past hope. Leave me to God’s mercy and go, go save yourself”

But Tamang refused to listen to any such advice. Again and again he thought of his people back home. What would they say if they came to know that he had deserted the Sahib in that desolate place to save himself.  He would not accept the charge of treachery. Come what may he would remain with the Sahib.

Tamang slipped into unconsciousness. The intense cold had begun to affect him. In fear and agony, Sahib called out his name again and again but there was no response. Outside the tent the blizzard howled and shrieked. More and more snow piled up on the tent. The two mountaineers were buried in the snow.

No aid could arrive from the camps below because of the blizzard which showed no signs of abating for seemingly endless days. Some days after this, braving the greatest odds, two sahibs and a sherpa managed to reach the solitary tent in the frozen land. Inside the tent they came across a heart wrenching sight. Two human beings now changed to corpses lay in a tight macabre embrace.

Tamang’s lips were frozen as he lay beside the Sahib. His face, even in death was utterly serene…….

Lyrics to a Song

Sometimes I wonder by the look in your eyes
When I'm standing beside you
There's a fever burning deep inside

Is there another in your memory
Do you think of that someone
When you hear that special melody?

I always stop and think of you especially
When the words of a love song
Touch the very heart of me

I often wonder how it could be you loving me
Two hearts in perfect harmony
I'll count the hours until that day
A rhapsody plays a melody for you and me

Until the moment that you give your love to me
You're the one I care for
The one that I would wait for

There'll be sad songs to make you cry
Love songs often do
They can touch the heart of someone new
Saying I love you...

The Perfect Man

The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love for you.

The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.

He has never made you cry
Or hurt you In any way
Oh, screw this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.